Throughout this journey into play over the last five years, one question comes up often, it has been one I have struggled to answer and actually have felt ill equipped to answer. The question is around those children that just cause absolute chaos in a play based class, that break things, fight, basically run riot. Those children who are oppositional and rebuff our attempts at forming strong relationships, basically seem to undermine everything we do. What do we do about these children?
I have not felt able to answer this question, because I am incredibly lucky to work in a school where children usually come in with the ability to auto-regulate or to regulate with support from an a trusted person (co-regulate.) Don't get me wrong, we still have children who come in with obvious issues with regulation, due to early trauma or otherwise, but we don't usually have groups of them, we have one or two who we can work effectively with and help to self-manage.
After reading this book
I now feel a little more able to answer this question. But please know I am no expert.
Firstly however let me say this. For children who come in with strong attachments and for want of a better word 'normal' abilities to regulate, a play-based environment based on self-direction is the absolute best. Children starting from this foundation learn so much within this environment and absolutely blossom emotionally and socially. They cope beautifully in this environment because this is how they are programmed to learn. They don't need us to direct them or manage them.
Children with early trauma are still built to learn this way, however they are as yet unable to thrive in this environment without a few modifications (which we can make very simply, without going back to our old methods of control.)
Before I go any further:
This short article is helpful if you have not read anything about attachment theory and the link to self-regulation.
This is an excerpt from that article:
What might extreme or unhealthy ways of auto-regulation look like?
Unhealthy patterns of auto-regulation most often include behaviors that are attempts to control. A sense of control of people, places, and things provides a sense of safety; since it is vulnerability for children with attachment disorder that is the scariest position in which to be.
Individuals who feel completely out of control are going to fall apart and do anything they can to gain that control. They attempt to achieve control over other people, places, and things; they find this helps them to achieve control over their own activated nervous system and their emotions. For children, attempts to control can come out in physical, emotional, or psychological manner.
In physical control, children will exert physical force to cause fear in those around them. Rages, throwing and breaking items, and physically hurting others are attempts to control out of a need to help themselves feel better.
In emotional control, children will be able to play with the emotions of others, making others angry, sad, or happy. Depending on the background and prior experiences of the child, they may be quite “street-smart” at being able to know instinctively how to play others emotions to get what they need.
In psychological control, children will lie, triangulate relationships of those in authority, and otherwise manipulate. Much of this is done on such an instinctual level to help calm their own nervous system down; they feel that they are doing these things to survive.
These become the behaviors that seem crazy and extreme to parents of children with attachment disorder; therefore, make daily live very chaotic and difficult. It is dysregulating to live with a child with controlling behaviors The children are not able to communicate any of their internal happenings, so these behaviors come with no warning
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Children who have developed unhealthy strategies for regulation will initially struggle in an environment where they have complete choice. Unlike their peers, who are able to regulate, this environment will cause them stress and because of this stress we will see the behaviours that are described above (that have been described to me by so many teachers over time.)
Sadly many see this as a reason to ditch play and go back to complete structure. I can absolutely see why, in essence it is the environment based on too much choice that creates these behaviours, and if you are one of those teachers where the majority of your class struggles with regulation for whatever reason, it would seem easier to go back to complete structure.
However I urge you not to do this. While too much choice is stressful for them, an environment based on play is ultimately what they need. Just like any other learning, they just need some scaffolding around this environment. As we would for any other learning, we need to meet their needs and in this environment this may mean shortening periods of play. Coming back together more frequently for emotional and social coaching or reflection. Recognising triggers and providing safe places for them to go to. Specifically teaching them calm down strategies (benefits all.) Teaching them about their brain and how it works (benefits all.) Providing more structure around the play for these children, a few choices, rather than complete self-direction to start with. Trying a strategy we use, which is ten by ten, ten seconds connecting with that child positively, ten times a day. Harder than it sounds. Watching what we say and how we redirect behaviour, these children see themselves as bad, the language we use with them is important. We also don't want to over praise them, they won't believe you and it will make their behaviour worse.
You will gradually see them developing regulation skills and be able to remove some of the scaffolds. With these children, as with most, it will be ten steps forward and nine back....progress will often be slow emotionally and socially and they will try to deliberately hijack situations as a form of defence. We must stay strong and constant for them despite what they throw at us.
What we do need to recognise and absolutely understand is that play is going to be difficult for them, their brain has been in a constant state of stress, relationships have been traumatic and disconnected, they don't trust us, why should they? Free play (for want of a better word) will cause them stress, they will feel out of control and they will take back control in ways we perceive as 'behaving badly.' They can not help this. Having to regulate themselves for any period of time is tiring, they become exhausted and it is hard for them. Safe spaces are important.
So, my answer, please don't let this type of behaviour stop you journeying into play, but recognise it for what it is, and respond to it by putting in place strategies to support regulation. The most important thing we can teach children is the ability to regulate...from that everything else will come. The last thing we want them to become is adults that can not regulate.
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