Ok, so this post is going to deviate from my normal. However it is absolutely connected to the everything that I stand for.
Bullying is rife in our society, it is absolutely everywhere, in fact, it is very sad to say that for many of us, even as adults it is part of our day to day life.
Does it have to be? Well I don't think it does, but I think if we are to banish the bullies to the fringes of humanity, we must start with our children.
And yes, that does mean it comes back to education to step up. Sadly if we are to continue to make it an issue of parenting, the problem will just continue to grow and our beautiful children will continue to live anxious lives where there really are monsters around every corner.
Too many schools say loudly that bullying is not a problem in their school. This is an absolute nonsense, bullying is an issue in every school and in every fragment of society, and until we can accept that, we just won't move forward or make a difference. In schools that would have you believe bullying isn't a problem, I would hasten a guess that the bullying is just a lot more hidden, it is more likely to be relational, it is more likely to be happening in ways that adults simply don't see, and often by the children you would least expect. The children that adults see as absolutely outstanding young humans...these children are incredibly clever, they know which mask to put on and when. Believe me, these can be the worst type of bullies, they hide their vicious words with a beautiful smile and fantastic manners.
Bullying can have a significant impact on a person's life, in fact, the impact of bullying can be something that an individual carries with them forever. Bullying can lead to mental health issues and anxiety related conditions. Individuals that are bullied for a length of time often struggle to trust, they can believe the worst about themselves, believe they can't possibly be loved, be quite paranoid and be fearful of being watched, talked about or embarrassed in social situations. Bullying takes a huge chunk of their self-worth, that they often struggle to get back.
Our society has long been a 'harden up' society, a 'she'll be right' society, but it is time for us to be a more nurturing, empathetic and understanding society if our suicide statistics are anything to go by.
So if all schools have bullying, what can be done about it...well in my opinion, a lot!
Step one - Own it. Admitting that we are dealing with children who are human and make mistakes and are still learning about how relationships work, accepting that one of our core duties as a school is to develop character beyond anything else.
Step two - Teach it. Name it. Illuminate bullying and have zero tolerance for it. Show children what it looks like, help them understand what it feels like. Explicitly teach children right from the start about their emotions, help them to name them, let them feel their emotions, encourage them to be able to speak up about how they are feeling. Set up a restorative culture that enables children to own their actions and restore relationships. Help children to be mindful and teach them how to cope with feelings of frustration and anger.
Step three - Foster character and citizenship. Actively teach and model kindness and empathy. Put a great big spotlight on it and make it cool to be kind. Make this the most important thing about your place. Encourage connectedness. Children that know and care about each other are far less likely to bully others. Don't segregate the playground. Allow all ages to play together so that developmental stages can meet. Use strategies like tuakana teina throughout the school.
Step four - Empower. Empower children to be upstanders, to stand up for those being bullied. Give them strategies to combat any type of bullying behaviour. Make sure they have avenues of help they can access for themselves and others and empower parents to come to you sooner rather than later.
Step five- Act on it. If you are told about it, show you will actively assist the child to rectify the situation. Include the bully in this process and help them to also make change. Follow up, make sure children know that if you know about it, you will do something about it, and this won't include victim blaming or making them feel responsible for what has happened. Set up a team around that child, make sure they know they are not alone.
Step six - Encourage Success. Set up a school based on catering for individuals and ensuring the are seen and have success. Bullies often bully to feel powerful, if they are gaining success and feeling seen, this is likely to stop any need for this behaviour.
Step seven - Live it. Model kindness, respect and empathy, make sure children see what it looks like in their everyday lives.
Step eight - Engage them. Keep children active and outdoors, let them play. Children that are allowed to be children, that are active and engaged in their play are far less likely to be bullies. The outdoors is important for the soul, ensure children are spending lots of times outdoors.
Step nine - Just do it. Make it just part of what you and every other adult in the school does each and every day.
Step ten(and probably also every other step too) - Define it. Make sure everyone in your school community understands what constitutes bullying. Have a nice, clear definition for it.
To truly combat our bullying culture, we have to stop accepting the behaviour in the first place, but we also have to be prepared to work hard to build a culture that is not based on competitiveness, but collaboration. If we have a community based on collaboration and cooperation, bullying can become a thing of the past. If we teach children to appreciate everyone's unique strengths and talents and value difference, then the very thing that ignites bullying will be extinguished.
This is where this connects up with all of my other work. We need to slow down and work on building and growing robust, kind, empathetic individuals that experience success in their own way and make progress in their own time. Take the stress away, stop fixating on acceleration and comparison and a lot of the work will be done. Build resilience in children, so that any mean behaviour directed towards them bounces back off them, that it doesn't get them down, that they are able to see it for what it is, mean.
Schools need to actively teach, cultivate, and celebrate kindness. When acts of kindness are not random, but deliberate and just a way of being, we will know that kindness now has the power that was once awarded to the bullies. We need to build communities where bullying is not just unacceptable, but unusual. We will know then that we are winning.
In specific terms of bullying, it is also really worth becoming a KiVa school. We got on board with this several years back now and it is great for giving us a framework to work within.
http://www.kivaprogram.net/nz
Are we perfect, no, no school is, even if they tell you they are. Are we working hard to do our bit...yes absolutely!
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